


I Just Want You Back

by The_lesbian_loser



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Drunk John, F/M, Gay John Laurens, I'm torturing John, M/M, Peggy Is A Good Friend, Swearing, There may be another part?, Thomas being a creep, Unrequited Love, Wedding, X female reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_lesbian_loser/pseuds/The_lesbian_loser
Summary: You've known John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton since the first year of college. You've known about John's crush since first year as well. You thought John would win over the man of his dreams, until Eliza Schuyler came along.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated!

Reader's P.O.V

“A toast to the groom!” Angelica cheered as she raised her glass of champagne into the air. The room happily joined in, raising their glasses in the air. I smiled and did the same.

“To the bride!” Angelica said, turning back to the table holding the newly wedded couple. Eliza and Alexander smiled brightly back at her. I snuck a glance over to John, who had sat down after announcing Angelica. The sparkle he had in his eyes upon standing up, was gone once again. He looked as though he were on the verge of tears, and they weren’t happy tears like Eliza’s.

He had been miserable all night, right from the moment he arrived. Lafayette, Hercules, Peggy, and I knew that tonight was going to be difficult for him. John had been getting quieter and quieter as the wedding drew closer. After all, it was tough to watch your crush get married.

To John though, Alexander was so much more than just a crush. They met when they were assigned as roommates for college. I’ll never forget John texting me about how hot his new roommate was. At first, I was skeptical, after all, John hadn’t dated the best men in the past, but then I met him.

Alexander was intelligent, outspoken, emotional, and like John had said, very hot. Though I never looked at him that way, I wanted to leave him for John. The boy was absolutely smitten. I couldn’t help but catch Alexander saying things or giving certain gestures to John that were meant to be more than platonic.

Then, there was the party. It was our last year of college, so we invited everyone we knew to a lake party. Lafayette’s parents owned a lakehouse (and may have been over 21 cough cough) so we thought it was perfect. I couldn’t help but think that what happened that night was my fault. I know I couldn’t have prevented it, oh who the hell am I kidding, of course I could’ve! After all, it was me who invited the Schuylers.

I’d met Angelica in a sociology course, who then introduced me to her two sisters. Eliza and Peggy. Peggy fit right in with our group, as she enjoyed the company of boys. ‘Aside from Y/N’, she would always say. Apparently I was a chill girl to her, not the kind that started drama. I would always roll my eyes at this, yet I feel like I’ve started the biggest drama ever.

The party was going wonderfully, and the sisters were the life of the party. Everyone, guy, gal, and other, were all tripping over themselves to try and pick up these girls. It was honestly hilarious. Then, I looked at Eliza. Her cheeks pink, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. She looked helpless. I turned to see who the lucky person was, and felt my heart sink. Alexander.

John had bragged to me all week about how he was going to finally ask out Alexander that night. He had dressed in his favorite outfit and even practiced what he was going to say. I was going to stop her, I was going to say something to John, but then she reached over to Angelica and I heard her say the words, “this one’s mine”. Before I could do anything, Angelica made her way across the room to Alexander. 

It was finished. I turn around to see John coming towards me. He had a bouncing smile on his face, but it dropped when he saw my expression. He opened his mouth to say something, but then he saw Alexander introducing himself to Eliza. That same helpless look on his face. John knew this look. He dropped his drink and ran. 

Eventually, Alexander and Eliza started dating. John had never acted the same. He had been supportive and happy for Alex, but only the rest of us could tell that John was faking all of it. He was spiraling back into the hole he had been trapped in back in high school. He was crying more, hardly leaving the apartment, and Peggy said she’d caught him harming. Years went by and John never truly got over it. It hardly phased him when Alexander proposed. He just kept smiling. 

Tonight, we had all been keeping an eye on him. Making sure he was doing alright, and even making sure one of us spent the night with him so he didn’t do anything. Perhaps it was a bit excessive, but we all loved John, and we knew this was the hardest thing he had ever done. Be the best man at his crushes wedding. Angelica went on with her speech, and John suddenly got up. I reached up and grabbed his sleeve before he could walk away. He turned back to me, his eyes glistening with small tears.

“I just need to step outside for a sec” He mumbled. I was hesitant, but I released his jacket.

“Alright, don’t be too long,” I said with a small smile. I was trying to be understanding, but I really had no way of knowing how John felt. I was just trying to make him feel like he didn’t have to be alone. He smiled back and nodded before turning and heading towards the patio.

I watched him fully step outside before I turned back to Angelica’s speech. She went on, concluding with a tearful hug with Eliza. I suspected that Angelica was in the same spot as John. Helplessly enamored with Alexander, but unable to have him. Though she was very closed off when talking about her feelings, so if that was the case, there was no way she was going to tell us. 

There were several more toasts, even Aaron gave one. I had on prepared, though I don’t think I could give it. I felt like I’d already hurt John enough, and this would just rub it in his face even more. Even though, he still hadn’t returned from outside. The wedding officially ended in a few hours, so everyone began to talk, dance, and drink. I was standing by one of the tables, when I noticed Peggy walking towards me.

“Hey Y/N...” she greeted as she came to lean on the wall next to me. She didn’t have that same badass Peggy attitude. She, like me, was worried for John tonight. Honestly though, who could blame her? After all, John moved in with her when Alex moved out to live with Eliza. She’d been with him for every breakdown and angry rant.

“Hey” I greeted back, taking a sip from my drink.

“How’s John doing?” She asked. I scoffed.

“How do you think he’s doing?” she sighed in response to this, sitting in a brief moment of silence.

“Pretty bad. Though he’s been keeping his smile high for Alex” She pointed out.

“I don’t he’s even spoken two words to Alex other than ‘congrats’ or ‘I’m so happy for you’ or anything,” I said, waving my hands for emphasis.

“Where is John anyway?” she asked, tone a little more concerned. She began to scan the crowd with her eyes.

“Don’t worry. He went out to the patio area during the speech. I’m sure he’s somewhere in here by now” I said calmly. Even though I worried about John, he was an adult. He didn’t need a hand to hold. If anything, he needed to be alone right now. 

“Alright then. I’m gonna go grab some of that popcorn” Peggy said, a little more upbeat.

“They have popcorn?” I giggled.

“Duh! It’s ‘Liza’s favorite” She said as she made her way into the crowd. I didn’t follow, just stayed posted on the wall. I take a quick look over towards the new husband and wife. Eliza looks ecstatic, dancing to the beating music with Alexander. She must’ve been laughing, I could tell even with all the noise. She had chosen quite a beautiful dress.

It was a very light ivory that hugged her torso, spreading out into a beautiful lace past her hips down to her feet. It wasn’t incredibly poofy, but it still had a nice amount of fluff to it. Strewn across the lacy bottom, were small blue flowers. Lining the top of the dress, right before there was skin, there were more of these flowers. She had her silky brown hair done up into a bun. Her veil had the matching blue flowers, but she had taken it off to dance, as it was floor length.

Alexander was wearing a navy blue suit and a bowtie, a white rose pinned to the jacket, his black locks tied into a tight ponytail. I always found it funny how men always seemed to have it easier when dressing for formal occasions. Eliza, all of her sisters, Maria, and myself had been dress shopping for days. She easily dressed us, her bridesmaids and maid of honor, yet she was so indecisive on what she would wear.

I set down my glass on the table next to me and made my way into the crowd. The entire room was alive with joy, yet only a select few people knew about the lingering sadness that hung. I could see Peggy across the room, stuffing her face with popcorn and talking to Lafayette. Not too far from them, I could see Hercules talking to Aaron and Theodosia. I smirked. Theodosia had the bouquet clutched in her hand.

I scanned the crowd and could spot more familiar faces, except for one. Perhaps he was still on the patio, after all some people had migrated outside for the fresh air. I shuffled my way through the people and made it to the sliding glass doors of the reception hall. I stepped out onto the patio and still no sight of John. Now I was beginning to get worried. I sent Peggy a quick text reading

_ Come outside. I can’t find John _

Nothing too alarming, but enough to get her attention, I walked around the patio, glancing at the people to see if maybe I missed him somehow. Eventually, Peggy comes outside, a few popcorn kernels on the corners of her mouth. I roll eyes.

“You enjoy yourself with all that popcorn?” I ask sarcastically. She chuckles and wipes her mouth with her hand

“Yeah. Maybe we should ask around if anyone’s seen him?” Peggy suggests.

“Sure. Come find me if you hear anything and I’ll do the same” I say, turning away. I scan the crowd for anyone who could have seen John. My eyes land on a magenta suit. Thomas. The suit wasn’t on theme at all, but nothing about Thomas was ever on any theme. He just did his own thing. I approach him and tap his shoulder. He turns towards me, his black curls bouncing along his jaw.

“Hey there darling,” He says, practically examining me from head to toe. I fold my arms defensively. 

“Hello Thomas,” I say, voice low “don’t get too excited, I only have a question”

“Sure. What can I do for ya?”

“John came out here during Angelica’s speech and we haven’t seen him since. I was wondering if maybe you’ve seen him?” I ask. Thomas’ brow furrows for a moment as he processes an answer.

“I have seen him out here. The guy was drinkin’ like a fish. I don’t know where he is now” Thomas says with a shrug. I sigh, now really feeling worried. Though I guess I should’ve seen this coming. John drank whenever he was really upset, and what day could have made him more upset than this.

“Thanks, Thomas” I mumble, turning away.

“No problem” He replies. 

I make my way back over to the sliding glass door, only to hear Peggy calling my name from my left. I turn and see her down the patio stairs and in the grass. 

“Burr said he saw John head around the side of the building,” Peggy said, sticking her thumb behind her. I swallow and follow her alongside the building. We make around the corner of the building, and sure enough, there he was. His legs were drawn up to his chest, his arms resting on his knees. His face was buried in the space between his legs and chest. The only part of his head we could see was his mop of curls.

His head tilted towards us at the sound of our footsteps. His eyes were red and puffy. As soon as he saw us, he simply groaned and turned his head back down.

“John?” Peggy spoke softly, as she approached him.

“Leave me alone” He mumbled. 

“You know we’re not gonna do that. Talk to us” She said, gesturing for me to come closer. She sat down on the grass next to him and I did the same on his other side. He sighed and lifted his head fully upright.

“Why? It’s all bullshit anyway” he mumbled. He ran a hand over his face and sighed. Peggy wrinkled her nose.

“Are you drunk?” she asked, appalled more than anything.

“So what if I am!” He exclaimed, standing bolt upright. The sudden movement threw his balance off, so he leaned back against the wall. I snuck a glance at Peggy, who was beginning to look angry. I decided to intervene. I stand up next to John.

“John… we know this is hard for you, but you shouldn’t drink your problems away” I say hesitantly. He wasn’t himself when he was drunk, so I didn’t know what reaction to expect.

“Too late for that. Unless you’re Alex, I don’t wanna see you” He said, lowering his head. I bit my lip.

“Yeah, I know. But he’s-” I begin before John cuts me off.

“What?! Busy with his wife?!” He yells. I can see tears forming in his eyes. I pick my words carefully.

“John… you’re drunk, I’m not going to argue with you” I say, staring at the ground.

“Don’t treat me like a child. I’m fine” he states firmly. I can’t help but hear the drowsiness in his voice.

“You’re far from it. We’re taking you home” Peggy says, standing with her arms on her hips. John waves her away dismissively, drooping his head against the wall.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere. Not until I see that arrogant bastard, Alexander Hamilton! He goes around acting like I’m nothin! Like I was just his boy toy for one night only!” John rambles in a drunken slur. It takes me a moment to process what he said.

“John… did something happen between you two?” Peggy asks hesitantly. John immediately looks like he regrets speaking.

“Yes. I-it was one night, but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen!” John said, voice cracking. I turn to him and wrap my arms around him. He practically collapses up against me, letting out a soft cry. I let him, something in the back of my head telling me it was my fault. Several minutes pass before John goes silent and he suddenly feels heavier.

“Er… John?” I ask, realizing I can’t hold his weight. Peggy notices my wavering stature and rushes over to us. 

“Did he pass out?” Peggy asked, grabbing John’s left arm off my shoulder.

“Yeah, I think he did…” I mumble, moving to allow Peggy to help me hold him. 

“Oh god, he’s heavy!” She blurted as John’s unconscious form draped over her. I tried my best to keep John upright, but my weak arms were hardly doing anything. It felt like he was dead weight.

“Pegs, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to carry him, let alone keep him off the ground!” I stated, slowly lowering John into the grass.

“Yeah, no shit” Peggy grumbled, nearly dropping him. Just as I get John down, I hear footsteps crushing the grass behind us. I whip around to see Alexander staring down at us.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is feeling the one thing he shouldn't on his wedding night, regret. He truly loves Eliza, yet every glance at John Laurens fills his mind with unwanted memories. So it's safe to say he becomes worried when John disappears from the wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated!

Alexander's P.O.V

Your wedding was supposed to be the greatest day of your life. It was supposed to be full of joy and excitement, finally tying a legal bond between you and your significant other. Though for me, it felt like everything but. I was happy to be with Eliza, I really was. She was beautiful, intelligent, and full of compassion. I was happy with her, yet something inside of me was aching inside all night.

That gut feeling you get when something bad is about to happen. I could feel it every time I looked at John. His deep brown eyes, his freckles spread across his cheeks and nose, his puffing curls tied in a tight ponytail. What if this was all a mistake? I knew I loved Eliza, I really did. I just couldn’t forget about John. I never knew a person could love more than one person. 

Despite me actually enjoying my wedding, I could feel my gaze shifting over to John all night. He’d been supportive, cheering and smiling for me the whole way through. I don’t think he thought I could see the tears in his eyes whenever we were apart. The absolute pain that was on his face. No matter how hard he was trying to hide it, I could see it. 

However, I wasn’t the best with emotions. I wanted to talk to John, I wanted to hold him and listen to whatever it was he had to say. I wanted him to trust me, though I couldn’t find the courage to actually do it. So I paid attention to my wife. The one I was supposed to be focusing on. Though, that proved to be another challenge. After everyone gave toasts in congratulations, Eliza ran off to talk to her friends. I wasn’t too upset about it, after all, now I could find John.

I casually walked around the reception hall, trying to not seem like I had a purpose. I don’t know why I was so embarrassed about it, I just didn’t want anyone to notice how worried I was. After all, I was supposed to be happy, best day of my life and all. I glanced over at the screen door across the reception hall just in time to see Peggy going onto the patio. I raised a brow, it didn’t look like she was going out there for the bar.  _ She _ had a purpose. 

I slowly but surely made my way across the hall, slipping out onto the patio. I scanned my eyes across the patio deck, looking for Peggy’s prominent yellow dress. However, I couldn’t see her anywhere. Where had she gone? I spotted Thomas over by the bar, his velvet magenta suit sticking out like a sore thumb. God, I loathed the man. Eliza had invited him, saying it would be disrespectful not to. I wanted to jump at the opportunity to be “disrespectful” to him, but Eliza had a far kinder soul than I and insisted that he come. 

I sauntered across the deck and next to Thomas. I did a firm tap against his shoulder. He turned his head towards me, his face in his usual smug expression. It immediately shifted as he made eye contact with me. He rolled his eyes and turned away.

“Hello Alexander” he mumbled in a rather formal tone.

“Hello Thomas”

“What do you want?”

“Have you seen Peggy out here? Or John for that matter?” I asked, my arms folded. Thomas sighed.

“First Y/N and now you” He mumbled, taking a sip from his drink. This piques my interest.

“Y/N was out here?”

“Yeah, she was, and I’ll tell you what I told her: John came out here, got drunk, and went around the side of the building,” Thomas said, gesturing off the patio with his thumb. I felt my heart drop to the floor.

“John got drunk?” I ask breathlessly.

“Yes, now can you go away? I’m sick of your scrawny face” Thomas mumbled, not even looking me in the eye. I ignored his snide comment and hurried off the patio, now worried out of mind. I curve around the side of the building to see Peggy and Y/N kneeling over John’s unconscious form. Their heads snap up towards me as they hear my footsteps. I make eye contact with Y/N, who looks just as worried as me. I turn my eyes down onto John, he looks like he’s trying to wake up, but can’t bring himself to do it. 

“I-is John okay?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“He’s fine. Just had a little too much to drink” Peggy cuts me off firmly. She’s angry, though I can’t pinpoint why. It’s not my fault John did this, is it? This was just John being John, right?

“We were trying to pick him up, but he’s way too heavy for us,” Y/N says, looking at me with pleading eyes. 

“Well I’ll try to help, though I can’t guarantee anything” I reply, taking Y/N’s place next to John. Peggy scoffs quietly and I feel guilt seep in my chest. John did this because of me. What had I done though? These two surely knew why, what with all the judgment I’d been receiving. I take John’s left arm and lift it over my shoulder, then holding it in place with my left hand. I support his back with my right hand, Peggy doing the same. We slowly lift him from the ground, the closer we get to standing level, the heavier he feels. As we get him upright, his head falls against me. I feel my cheeks grow hot. 

“Let’s head around this way to the parking lot, I don’t want to embarrass John by dragging him through the reception hall” Y/N states, reaching into her small purse for her keys. I glance over her shoulder and see the path she’s referencing to. If we continued down this wall and made a right, we’d be in the parking lot.

“Yeah, you’re right. You guys will make sure he gets home safe?” I ask, turning around to guide John to the parking lot. 

“Of course we will” Peggy mumbles, showing me something other than that snarky tone of hers. I feel a pinch of relief in my stomach, knowing that John will be taken care of. If I was being honest though, I wished it were me taking care of him. We made our way to the parking lot and to Y/N’s car. As she fiddled to unlock it, I hear John groan against my shoulder. I glance down at him and see his eyes flutter open. He looks as though he’s struggling to keep them that way. 

“You okay John?” I ask, worried he might throw up on me. John sluggishly lifts his head to look at me.

“...Alex?” He asks as if he doesn’t believe it’s me. 

“Yeah?” I reply, not really knowing how to respond to him. He stares at me with his dark eyes, and I can see tears forming in them. Before I can say anything else, John yanks his arm from Peggy and throws himself up against me. I stumble back at his weight but manage to hold him. I can smell the alcohol on him as he nuzzles his head into my neck. I can feel my heart flutter with the contact, yet I keep my head level. I hear John let out a muffled cry into my shoulder. My shoulder begins to feel wet with his tears. I hold him tighter, trying to comfort him.

“What’s wrong John? Please tell me” I whisper so only he can hear. I see Peggy step around the side of the car and get into the backseat, acknowledging our privacy. Y/N shoots me that same pleading, almost motherly look. Basically telling me, ‘please don’t screw this up, he really needs you’. I give her a small smile and nod silently. She opens the driver's side door and sits in the car, hesitantly closing the door behind her. After a second of hiccuping breaths, John finally speaks.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you do this to me?” John asks, voice cracking with tears. I feel guilt wash over me, realizing that all my worries were true. It was me who hurt John. This was all my fault.

“I don’t know John…”

“Y-you said you loved me” He slurs. I feel my own tears begin to sparkle, remembering the night John and I shared. Then remembering the night I met Eliza. John had never been the same. I don't know why I hadn’t acknowledged it sooner. At the time I believed I had more important things to deal with. So stupid.

“I know I did. I know what I’ve done is unforgivable, but you have to understand I love Eliza too” I mumble hesitantly, thinking back to my newly wedded wife, probably waiting for me inside the reception hall. John steps back, staring down at me with tear-stained cheeks. I stare back, guilt plaguing my eyes. I can almost see the gears turning in John’s drunken mind. Before I can even react, John quickly leans in and smashes his lips against mine in a sloppy attempt to kiss me.

I feel my heart leap into my throat and I step back in surprise. Though, I feel myself lean into the kiss, running my fingers through John’s curls. I can taste the alcohol on his lips, but I don’t care. I’ve been craving this kiss for so long and would probably never get the chance to do it again. John’s hands tug at my suit in the moment and he pushes me up against the car. The kiss deepens and I begin to get nervous, realizing what I was doing. I pull my hands from his head and place them on his chest, gently pushing him away. John breaks the kiss, panting heavily.

“Sorry… jus’ thought I would do it one last time” he slurs. I nod and look away, whether out of embarrassment or worry, I couldn’t tell. John trudges to the backseat and gets in the car without another word. I walk away from the car, refusing to look back. I can hear the car start and drive away. The whole time I stand in the parking lot, filling to the brim with regret.


End file.
